I forgot I have a blog. Okay, I didn’t forget. I’ve been thinking about writing something, and then I don’t write. I’ve been stuck.
You see I started this particular blog at a really odd time in my life. I stopped the Tolerant People blog because it wasn’t what I wanted it to be (even though for a first time blogger it was rather successful). I started this one, with the web address as my name so that it would be more permanent and it would just have to grow and change as I did. Well, I have been growing and changing at a pace too quick to write about – which is good.
So part of that change that leads to all the others is the whole rehab thing. I said when I started this blog that I didn’t want it to be limited to recovery issues, then I started writing and realized that’s all I could write about at the time. You know, it kind of dominated my life. It still does, but the way it is happens is changing too and for that I am grateful.
The other bar to writing has been my mood swings. Seriously. I am fine and happy one second and the next I am a puddle of tears. There is no real transition time. I have become super sensitive to feeling things. When you have numbed your feelings for over half your life, allowing them all of a sudden is as much entertaining as it is difficult. I do have to laugh at myself.
I’ve started talking to people again. Other than the writing I did when I first “got out” I haven’t been talking to anyone really about what’s going on with me (other than Stephanie who hears it all, all day, ad nauseum). There are the AA meetings and people I have met there – but I don’t like many of those people. AA in rehab and AA in real life are two very different things. I’ll get into that in another post, but for time and word count sake; lets just say that I am no longer going to meetings everyday. I still like the steps, they makes sense and they work, but like many other “programs” people tend to ruin the intention of the program and make it something it wasn’t supposed to be. For instance, if I wanted to be lectured about God, I would have gone back to church. I am also in an area where the meetings close to me are chalk full of racists and I had my fill of passive aggressive racist remarks without opening my mouth or punching someone.
For now, I am learning about myself. I am a pretty interesting individual (apparently) and I have a lot to say about pretty much everything. I honestly want the world to be a better place. The whole point of this blog and the Tolerant People Blog was to use my random crazy life as a launching point to share the things I have learned. I mean, I don’t have children to warp with this stuff, so strangers on the Internet will have to do when it comes to passing along my life lessons and wisdom. LOL I don’t often feel wise. I have however learned a lot of stuff the hard way, and really, its amazing that I am not dead, in jail, or a horrible excuse for a human being. I’ve actually managed to learn throughout my life. I’ve managed huge recreations of myself even drowned in alcohol. Eliminating the filter of booze has opened my eyes to who I really want to be, and what I really want to write about. The bottom line is that I want to be a teacher. A healer. A light in the darkness. I want to use my evil life to chase darkness as far from people as I can – this finally including myself. I used to just think I could do that for others without really looking inward. That friends is impossible.
So before I impart great teachings (LOL I make myself laugh), I really need to learn who I really am. Learning to feel things is pretty crucial. Being mindful of my thoughts and motivations for writing stuff steers everything in a productive direction. Today is quite simply the first day in a while I have felt like sharing – and that’s okay.
Yesterday I spent a good portion of time online. I was chatting with friends. I resolved a HUGE issue with one of them in a way that I never would have handled it while drinking. All responsible, measured, unemotional, critical handling of a problem; That is usually not my MO. It felt really good to own my own shit, and hand off a plate of someone else’s giving up my perceived responsibility to hold it. Instead of coming from the conversation pissed off, and wanting to avoid the people involved – I ended the problem and it was super easy to do once I let truth dictate my words and actions rather than hurt feelings (which actually go away faster when you are honest). In the process I gained back a friend I had been avoiding, and I may have completely lost another friend in the process… that friend though was lying and hurting ME with the lies; so I don’t feel bad. 3 months ago I would have felt bad. Really really bad. So bad that I never would have said anything and if I did it would have been a train wreck. I like this version better and I can appreciate the entire process because I was PRESENT for it. Weird.
If you have read this far you are probably waiting to hear about cats in yoga pants. Sorry to disappoint, but really I just wanted that for the title because I hate coming up with titles and yesterday I kept finding odd cat things and one of those odd things was “Yoga apparel for cats.” I didn’t click the article, but I can’t get the image of a cat in yoga pants out of my head.
So my randomness is still intact and that’s good because it is one of the things I truly love about myself. Now that I am sober, I am learning that there are lots of those things. To think, I spent so much time thinking myself uninteresting and unlovable. How beautiful to be wrong.