I

I have been stuck for a VERY long time. I have been stuck in perception. I have been stuck in belief. I have been stuck in addiction. I have been stuck in my heritage. I have been stuck in my family. I have been stuck in mystery. I have been stuck in unknowing. I have been stuck in history and I have been stuck in myself.

I have been on this journey since I was born. Every experience; every person; every thought has gotten me to the point where I am right now, in this moment. Right now, I am not stuck. I am experiencing. I am practicing. I am growing. I am changing. I am finding my own personal enlightenment. I am defining my own beliefs and not relying on a holy text or the dogmas of man. I am feeling. I am thought.

I no longer need approval from anyone. I no longer define myself by what others believe. I believe in many things. I believe in every truth. I believe in spirits, gods, and fairies. I believe in angels. I believe in demons. I believe in history. I believe in space. I believe in science. I believe that these things do not contradict. I believe in myths. I believe in aliens. I believe in magic. I believe in healers, psychics, and saints. I believe in shamans. I believe in good. I believe in love. I believe in my third eye. I believe in divination. I believe in my soul. I believe in yours. I believe in evil. I believe in tricksters. I believe in monsters. I believe that in everything and everyone there is a purpose. I believe we are divine.

I am not striving for perfection. I am striving for progress. I am not afraid to laugh at myself. I am not afraid to laugh at you. I am not afraid to laugh through my tears, or have my laughter interrupted by them. I am afraid of emptiness. I am afraid of contempt. I am afraid of indifference. I am not afraid to connect. I am not afraid to explore. I am not afraid to dream.

I love walking among people and I love avoiding them. I love learning about you. I love learning about me. I love learning. I love animals. I love rocks. I love mountains, trees, and vistas. I love stars. I love the universe. I love being outside. I love reading. I love rivers, lakes, and streams. I love waterfalls and oceans.  I love pictures. I love my friends. I love my enemies. I love my values. I love my morality. I love my fears. I love my family. I love yoga. I love therapy. I love words. I love writing. I love thinking. I love dreaming. I love touch. I love solitude. I love learning. I love sharing. I love my honesty. I love my love.

We spend so much time trying to figure out who we are and what we are supposed to do and what we are supposed to become that I fear we miss the journey. I have always been full of angst about what I was. Who I should be. What I should believe in. Who I should be with. What people think of my choices and actions. I have embarrassed myself. I have failed. I have quit. I have been hateful. I depend on sarcasm for defense. I have been afraid. I have been a bully. I have been bullied. I have been depressed and crazy. I have been sane and happy.

I am appreciating the trials. I am cleansing through my tears. I am awakening. I am power. I am fulfillment.  I am dreaming. I am acting. I am learning to trust my instincts. I am listening to my intuition. I am paying attention. I am learning. I am changing. I am happy. I am sad. I am joy. I am peace. I am patient. I am compassionate. I am kind. I am impatient, intolerant, and mean too. I am flexible. I am open. I am writing. I am exploring.

I am everything and I am nothing. This is my truth.

What is yours?

Namaste

 

I am ready to quit (I think)

Smoking.

Yes. As if quitting drinking, revolutionizing the way I think about myself, and dealing with past traumas and triumphs wasn’t enough; I have now decided that I need to quit smoking. This is an impulse that just hit me last night really. I’ve been mulling around the idea to quit since I first picked them up about 34 years ago (yeah really). I’ve tried to quit more times than I can count. I have used gum, patches, Zyban (Wellbutrin), Chantix, will power (LOL), and forced breaks (Army training where smoking wasn’t allowed, long flights, church trips), yes, I have tried everything.

Nicotine was my very first drug of choice and smoking is more automatic to me than breathing. So lets talk about impulse. That’s the word that kept coming to mind as I woke up this morning and that is how I plan on attacking the smoking thing. I have to rewire my impulses. Much like I am doing with alcohol, unhealthy food, opinions and writing.

I am an impulsive person; I think we all are but some folks possess the ability to resist or rewire better than others. I have good impulses, bad ones, and ones that are questionable depending on whether or not I act on them. “Impulsive” is a very loaded word that often comes with negative attachments. I don’t see my impulsiveness as negative, I just see it as something I need to understand in order to help myself distinguish between impulses I should encourage and those I should resist or abandon.

Most of the major changes/actions and even friends in my life are a result of my impulsive nature and the simple fact that when I decide to do something (either on impulse or well thought out) I tend to have no fear about acting. I have had the impulse to quit smoking a million times. When I have acted on that impulse I am successful every time; the problem comes when I enter into that unknown place because of the impulse, and fear takes over. Then I indulge the fear instead of cultivating what I started, and usually quit. This is my pattern. Thankfully, I can also resist the impulse to quit when I take the time to think about it. The impulse is what I need to spur me into action; letting go of fear is what I need to make that action a positive one.

After my Mom passed away my impulsive nature took on new life. I no longer had any reason to stay put in my little town, and my desire to travel, to move, to explore was freed up. No more attachments to worry about. I impulsively decided to do one of two things; I was either going to just pick up and move to some other country and “wing it” or I would go active duty. I decided on the more stable path of the Army. I was fine with that decision. I had already done basic and served in the reserves for 8 years. The Army had rules and structure to follow (which I needed), and I could get rid of that travel bug that I couldn’t afford to entertain. Perfect. I was living in Sacramento, CA at the time and from impulse to arriving at Fort Drum, NY took a mere month. No time to regret or be fearful… I just had to move on the path I put myself on. I took my then girlfriend and we drove across the country to start my new (yet somehow familiar) life. We got to New York, NY and that is where we parted ways – a fun cross country adventure came to an end and I was now on my own as she flew back to CA. As I drove from New York City I was more excited than fearful, but as I approached Fort Drum, the doubts started to seep in. “You made a mistake.” “You will never be able to do this.” “You are going to fail.” “Why the fuck is there so much snow?”

I got to the post and checked into the hotel on post to take one last night before I was a “real” Soldier. I reported to my first formation the next morning and got the dose of reality I had feared. Six AM, surrounded by strangers, no idea what to expect. Of course that first morning was a nice 5 mile run, outside, in upstate NY, in January.

Now I have to digress just a little. I hate running. I am not good at it. I don’t like it. I do not want to run. Seriously – if I am running, something is wrong or someone is chasing me. As far as impulses go – running was never one I had to worry about. In the reserves I would ignore the need to run for months, and then nearly kill myself to pass the Physical Training Test every 6 months.  I will walk for miles without complaint, pick up the pace to a jog or a run and I am pretty sure death is imminent.

So we go on this 5 mile run and I made it approximately a 1/4 mile before I decided that I had indeed made a very bad decision. I was not made for this. It’s cold. Someone I don’t know is screaming at me to get up and run. They are appalled that I only made it around the block. Who is this Soldier? Yeah; I am the Soldier who decided a few short weeks ago that this would be a good idea. Being homeless in Ireland was starting to look like it would have been the better choice. I quickly convince myself that I will get kicked out – possibly by late afternoon. Except, it isn’t that easy…

You see. I couldn’t quit. It’s not allowed. It isn’t an option. I gave up things like free will, choices, and the ability to make impulsive decisions. The formation is long gone. I am alone on the side of the road, freezing to death, tears streaming down my face (no one could tell as they froze as soon as they left my eyes), the yelling has stopped; for now, my chest is screaming, not only am I out of shape and I smoke like a chimney, I am not acclimated to 20 degree weather, and I am sure as hell not used to being outside doing things. The reserves were nothing like this. I have been on active duty less than an hour and I am done.

After that day, it took me 7 years to quit that job; but quitting was in my head from day one. For seven years I simply accepted the consequences of my impulsive decision to go active duty, and reenlisted because I was too afraid to change or try something else. I mean, we see where my last decision landed me! Self-doubt, complacency (I eventually got used to being in the Army obviously), and the learned lesson of thinking things through kept me stuck there even when I knew it wasn’t quite what I wanted. There was enough there to keep me satisfied. I liked a ton of things about being in the Army and looking back on it all now I know that it was in fact one of the very best AND very worst decisions I have ever made. So basically, one impulse lasted 7 years and the ramifications of that are still being realized.

I am at another crossroads in my life right now. I have a ton of decisions to make. I have to figure out what I want to do with myself. I need a hobby, or a job, or some money, or a path, or a miracle. I don’t know. I have no clue. All I know for sure is that I don’t want to make any rash decisions. I have put my impulsive nature in a time-out. I do not want to join the Army again and that’s all I know for sure. I know that I am tired of trying to kill myself, and that isn’t what I want anyway. Drinking has stood in the way of good decisions either well thought out or impulsive; it always provided me an excuse, and a way to plan my life (I can’t go there because I can’t drink, or I will have to drive somewhere)… so many missed opportunities. I can regret all that time, or I can act differently now. I am liking the acting differently part. It isn’t easy and like that first snow filled morning in New York – I do have some fears and feel like I’ve made the wrong decision or the wrong choice. However, now I have more desire than fear, and more love than fear; those things are more powerful than fear. When we train ourselves to do something, that can be our best ally against being afraid. The Army knows this, that’s why training is so important. The more you train, the more automatic things become. What I train on now is entirely up to me. I can train myself to respond fearfully, or impulsively, or lovingly… I really am in control of how I feel about anything. That friends, is empowering. That starts the elimination of self-doubt that has plagued me for years.

How does this all relate to smoking? Well, I have an opportunity that arose from an impulsive decision to be in an environment where smoking is inconvenient, time consuming, and will be more of an annoyance than a coping mechanism and it will be difficult to light up out of habit. In order to smoke I will have to make time for it (unlike sitting here where just during the time it took me to write this I have by sheer habit alone smoked about a half a pack of cigarettes). I have been slowly but surely eliminating unnatural things from my life. Better food, no booze, no prescription medications… my last two drugs to rid myself of are nicotine and caffeine; the two most addictive substances on our planet. I am going to need to be out of my comfort zone to change the habit part, and I am going to have to think before I act to get rid of the impulsive part. Being in an environment that naturally encourages those actions (leaving comfort zones and thinking) will be helpful. I never would have quit drinking without rehab. I needed to be in an environment where I couldn’t drink, along with the mindset that I wanted to stop in order for the lessons to be learned and for the habit to change. So far that’s working, and has worked longer than any other attempt to quit drinking. I figure it will work for smoking too.

So I guess I am taking my impulsive nature and making it work for me. I am going to take full advantage of being in the most restrictive state in the country for smokers and enjoy my time with my non-smoking friends (pretty much everyone I know now doesn’t smoke anymore or never has), and I am going to make the most of being outside in beautiful California. I’m tired of cigarette butts in my pocket, the smell of it nauseates me, the cost is ridiculous, the damage I have done to my body, the inability to breathe (and my new-found love of breathing is also a huge motivator)…. I mean at least with alcohol I could come up with a pro/con list. With smoking, it’s all con. I don’t even enjoy it anymore and honestly haven’t in a while. Let go of those things that don’t serve you. Really, I am looking forward to creating new habits. I am looking forward to (several) long walks in my California sun/forests/beaches without having to stop and smoke.

Will I be successful? I don’t know. All I know is that this is the perfect opportunity to jump on the impulse and have it supported by my environment and the people I am with. It can’t possibly be bad – especially now that I know how to cope with emotions (better). I don’t need cigarettes for that anymore. If I get frustrated I have all kinds of things to do other than smoke. I won’t be drinking, so that drive to smoke will be a non-issue. I am looking forward to spending time with the people I am going to visit with; not plotting time away from them to indulge in this deadly habit. Some people I will only have a few hours with, how sad to spend some of that time away from them to smoke? How silly! How wasteful! I have this opportunity to go home; and I want to experience and enjoy every second of it.  I would worry about mood swings due to nicotine withdrawal, but honestly my mood swings are out of control right now anyway; might as well do something positive with it. I go from laughter to tears in seconds these days. Waking up is full of sensations.

This is a long post I guess, but welcome to my process. When I write things, it sort of seals them for me. It makes things real. It takes the thoughts out of my head and organizes them, and cements them in place. I have just chosen to allow to you see it.

Namaste

Thank you for your service!

This was my second deployment. I was pretending that the chair was a horse – while enjoying the Pink Hats that the ladies of the “Red Hat Society” sent us for our ladies tea party. Afghanistan: Experiences may vary.

I’ve been meaning to write this particular post for quite some time, but I have had a hard time finding the line between sharing my sentiments on the subject and possibly making people think twice about sharing an “attitude of gratitude” towards Active/Reserve/Veteran service members. However, I keep reading the articles on veteran suicide rates (22 a DAY), I personally know my own struggles as a veteran, and I know that the majority of Americans just want to express thanks for something they are unwilling or unable to do. I feel the same way about EMT’s and other “jobs” out there that we desperately need people to rise up and do; but most people would not or could not do them. Teachers fall into this category for me was well. There is no end to their deployment…

Anyway, I have been out of the Army now for 6 years. It doesn’t feel like 6 years. It doesn’t even feel sometimes like I am out – maybe I am just taking really extended leave… I don’t know what my brain is doing, but I do know that it feels like yesterday that I was putting on a uniform everyday for work instead of residing in my pajamas for the majority of my days. Maybe it is because I have been unable to find a new job to throw myself into, or maybe it’s that what I did in the military had deep meaning for me and I will never let it go as something I once “did” for a living. It will always be there. I will always on some level be an American Soldier. Maybe it’s because it’s the only identity I have ever had that I could be proud of, or that others could easily identify and understand.

In recent months I have had to introduce myself to countless new people. Mostly it’s “Hi I’m Carrie (Kathryn) and I am an alcoholic.” Once we get past that introduction (that I am totally sick of saying), there is a lull, and the inevitable question of “what do you do?” Honestly, right now I don’t do anything. So my responses range from, “I’m unemployed right now” to “I’m in-between careers” or I pretend that my writing (that I have been ignoring) is what I do. “I write.” All the responses have follow up questions and eventually we get to the fact that I am an Army Veteran. Then the response 99% of the time is “Thank you for your service!”

Now, in normal conversations, “You’re welcome” should suffice as a response, but some people won’t let it go and this post is asking you to just let it go if our conversation is never going further than this exchange.  Here is MY reason why…

When people in the grocery store or yoga class or an AA meeting thank me for my service it is very easy for me to muster up the pride I have in what I did to say, “You are welcome!” It is the veterans equivalent of passing someone in the hall and saying, “Hi how are you today? and the expected response is “Good” or “Fine” and that’s it. You don’t really want to know the persons life story, or want them to tell you about the cat vomit in their shoe that morning. It is a polite exchange we participate in. How are you? Fine. Thank you for your service. You are welcome.

When you take it beyond this exchange, I feel awkward. How much do you want to know? Why are you still talking to me? What is it exactly you expect me to say? Gah!

I sort of bring this on myself because I still wear my SETAF t-shirts, and my “Been there, done that” T-shirt from Afghanistan. I do invite conversation, and being the chatty person I am – I will talk to you for hours on end if you let me. I enjoy talking about my military service (though I do not enjoy discussing the politics around it in the grocery store check-out). For instance, someone sees one of my military themed shirts and asks, “Were you in the service?” Yes. “Thank you!” You’re welcome! “(insert President you love to hate here) really fucked you guys over.” Silence. Then to break an uncomfortable silence I usually come up with something to change the subject. “Uh… I see you are buying potatoes.”

Seriously, I don’t care about your political views Bush/Obama – whoever is next… this is not a grocery store/gas pump/fast food line conversation to have. I also don’t care about your cousin/son/daughter/parent/friend who is also in the Army. I don’t know them. Jews and black people have this problem too – Oh I have a black friend, his name is Tony. Do you know him? No. Stop it. Again, small talk is meant to be easy. Please keep it that way. Weather. Weather is good. “Thank you for your service!” “You are welcome!” “Great/shitty/warm/cold weather we are having now right!?” Yeah.

Let me tell you about the political beliefs of service members. We are under oath to serve whatever jackass we vote into office. It doesn’t matter if we voted for them or not. It doesn’t matter if we like them or agree with them. It doesn’t matter if they are ethical or corrupt. It doesn’t matter what their intentions or purposes are for sending us to war, closing bases, cutting benefits, or increasing our COLA rates. Do we have opinions on these things? Yes! Do we want to share those opinions with you while we are buying Slim Jims and cigarettes at the gas station? No. Not really.

Then there are the underlying issues with these conversations and I only recently realized why these interactions make ME so uncomfortable.  While in rehab one of the ladies I was with thanked me for my service; this was different though as we were forced to live together for 31 days and its all about getting to know one another and dealing with scary feelings and stuff. So when the conversation went beyond Thank you, you are welcome; it took a surprising turn and I have wanted to write about it since it happened.

First of all when she thanked me for my service she adjusted her body language. She squared herself up, looked me in the eyes, and said, “Thank you so much for your service, you guys do so much that we can’t even begin to understand.” Well shit. “You are welcome!” Then she went and sat down. A few minutes later she said, “Can I ask you a question?” I said yes, and the resulting conversation surprised both of us. She said, “Do you enjoy when people thank you for your service? I mean, should we do that?” That is one question I have never been asked so I had never had to think about the answer. What came out for my answer surprised me. I started to cry. Now – understand I was in rehab, and crying is a daily event and can be brought on by a sneeze. However, the tears in this case were relief, and guilt. Odd right? Relief and guilt.

Relief because someone asked me how I felt about it. Like, not just that I am supposed to be grateful that you are grateful. I had never really thought about it beyond that. I hear “Thank you for your service” and it means as much to me as “How are you?” because the response is automatic. I will say you are welcome, because that is what I am supposed to say. I can’t say that I don’t feel like I deserve to be thanked. I can’t respond with, “Well I didn’t really do anything.” I am not at liberty to burst some kind persons patriotic sentiment with sprinkles of survivors guilt. People don’t REALLY want to know how I feel, they are just doing what they are supposed to do so they aren’t labeled like their parents were when troops came home from Vietnam and got spit on. While I have survivors guilt – our country has a collective, we treat our service members like shit; so  I’ll make sure to let them know that I am not like that and I will say thank you guilt. I will just say it – most of the “thank yous” do not feel all that genuine and the follow up questions/conversations usually turn to how that person is dealing with the wars/politics whatever and isn’t about me or my service at all. So when someone genuinely asked me questions about how I felt when someone thanks me; well I was overwhelmed by it.

The guilt comes when the conversation gets to the inevitable “Did you go over there?” Yes. Twice. Then people pity me. Oh you poor thing! TWICE? Yes. Twice. What I am thinking is, “However, a friend died on his FIFTH deployment right before he was supposed to come home to his wife and five kids. Have a nice day!” or “Yeah, Twice. One kid though only went once, he was 18. I had to cover his Fallen Comrade Ceremony/Military Funeral. He had only been in the Army for 6 months. He looked so peaceful there in his coffin all dolled up in his uniform with all those medals pinned to his barely haired chest.”  So yeah. I feel pretty fucking lucky. I feel like I didn’t do enough. I feel like I don’t deserve to be home in my pajamas. I feel like I had it easy (which I did). I feel like I shouldn’t even mention my deployments because I am okay. I am alive. I am still here. I am not physically or emotionally broken from my service. I have all my limbs. I don’t desperately need the VA to treat me. There is really nothing to thank me for.

You see though, we understand that the average person doesn’t get to say thank you to those who have died, and it would be way too uncomfortable to thank the guy with no legs and a burnt face because to look at him frightens us. It is much easier to thank the happy looking person in the Army T-Shirt at the local convenience store. I understand this. I understand that 99% of your intentions are good and that is why no matter how I really feel I will ALWAYS say, “You are welcome” because I am answering that question for those who can’t. They too would say that you are welcome and I am happy to take that small burden for them.

I guess all I ask is that you get to know us a little better before you take the conversation further, or to truly understand your own intentions for continuing the conversation. I don’t know any Service Member past or present that will refuse to answer your question, or who will burden you with how they feel. Just know that we have a lot of feelings associated with our service, and not all of them are things you want to hear or know about or could possibly understand even if we told you. Asking about that is for friends, family, and fellow service members.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way but I am also not pretending to speak for any of my brothers and sisters. This is just my thoughts and feelings on these exchanges. If you are ever in doubt, or you are talking to someone you don’t really know and don’t have the time or inclination to really have that deep conversation; please just leave it at thank you, and I promise to say that you are welcome.

Namaste

 

 

 

Serve one another

My entire life has been spent battling between making other people happy and making myself happy. The problem with that is often the needs of others are so constant that they become rather overwhelming. Unless you are “keeping your side of the street” clean, you really can’t be of good service to others.

Most of the jobs I have held in my life are service positions. I have never really been the boss, or climbed a professional ladder. I have worked with people with disabilities, volunteered in nursing homes, served in the military, and now I am taking service positions in my A.A. group.

I like serving others. I find myself that way and I don’t do any of it for recognition or praise. In fact when people do recognize me, I tend to devalue it rather than accept the compliment and move on. I am learning to stop doing that, and to value my service to others as they value my service. It actually feels pretty good to allow myself to feel pride in what I am doing, and to let someone congratulate me for a job well done. I think before I knew that I was living a lie in a way and wasn’t really deserving of recognition. Now however, my motivations are different. My focus is to help others by helping myself, and personally, I think that is the greatest service I can offer.

I also like to educate people. Either by sharing my experiences, or by sharing the tons of information I have read but failed to apply or understand in my life. Just because I still need to learn things, doesn’t mean that I can’t share the knowledge I have. My head is full of information, and I don’t always understand why it sticks in there they way it does until a conversation happens and my mind jumps to that article I read a week ago, or a phrase I read in a book somewhere. Sometimes I think that stuff stays in my head so I can reference it when someone else needs to hear it. Who knows, maybe they will “get it” and help me learn how it applies to my own life and experiences.

I guess the point is to share and serve even if you think you aren’t capable or deserving. One of the things I am really enjoying about the fellowship in A.A.  is the importance of service and how it impacts an individuals personal sobriety. I am only 45 days into the program and I have already learned so much from so many people that to get up and offer to chair a meeting is more of a privilege to me rather than an obligation. It is a simple commitment to show up sober and help the group share with one another. It gives me yet another reason to stay sober each day because without my sobriety (even in it’s infancy) I can’t serve others the way I would like too. So once I hit that 30 day mark, I knew that I wanted to volunteer for whatever commitments I was allowed. For now, it’s simple things like cleaning up, making coffee, and chairing meetings. Without those simple things though – A.A. wouldn’t be the fellowship that it is.

The thing I always liked about going to church was the fellowship parts. The singing, the sharing, the hugging, and pot luck dinners. I never enjoyed listening to one guys opinion on how I should interpret God or how I should live my life on a daily basis. I preferred to learn those lessons from those of us on the other side of the pulpit. Those of us who learned through trial and error, not through the interpretation of a book, or the doctrine of a particular church. As individuals, we all have something to offer. We all have things that have happened around us, to us, and because of us that shapes who we are and how we deal with the world around us. I would like to hear as many of those experiences as possible. Those experiences are where I find my own sanity and purpose.

I like the simple service of chairing a meeting. I like being in front of the group and seeing the faces of the people sitting in the rooms. The nods of understanding, empathy, and concern. The smiles when an anniversary is announced or a newcomer raises their hand for the first time. Here are a bunch of drunks. Selfish people. People who have spent a good part of their lives thinking only of themselves and their needs. People who found a way to step outside of themselves in order to help others. People who find experience, strength and hope in one another. People who have made a commitment to try and live a better life one day at a time. We are all walking contradictions. A.A. is the land of paradox but it works.

Each day I live sober I am serving myself and others. Each new day is a new victory. Even if I falter, as long as I am honest, open, and willing – even my mistakes will serve a purpose. Man, I have been searching my entire life for purpose, and I think I have finally found it. I have always known my mouth and my words would have something to do with it, but I never imagined that my simple presence would also be a huge part of it too. I can be quiet and serve. I can listen and learn and still be of service. It doesn’t take much, and you don’t have to be in a 12 Step program to practice these principles. This stuff makes sense for everyone.

There is a meme that floats around and I don’t remember who said it, but it goes: “You can choose to be right or you can choose to be kind; if you are kind, you will always be right.” Kindness is never wrong. Our opinions are just that; opinions. Each person has a different perspective and a different need. Each person fights a different battle everyday, and showing kindness will never hurt someone. Being kind to one another is one of the greatest acts of service we can perform for one another, and it doesn’t take but a second to share it. Sometimes you can change someones entire day by just smiling at them.

There is also a personal joy in knowing that you did something selflessly. I know for me, my greatest lessons have been learned when I am serving others. When I serve myself I often find that I am discontent. I can’t seem to get what I need or want when I need or want it. However, those things seem to just fall into place when I take the focus off myself for even the briefest of moments.  Today by serving my group I was reminded of how very blessed I am today. I didn’t have to have money fall into my lap, or a job offer. I just sat and listened to a man who lost his son to suicide a few short months ago. The only thing I could do for him was to listen. What he did for me by sharing his pain was to remind me just how small my problems are right now. We served one another, and that is what being human should be about.

Today I am grateful to be of service. I am grateful for my new fellowship of walking contradictions and the lessons we share with one another.

“If you want to go fast; go alone. If you want to go far; go with friends.” – African Proverb

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“We put the FUN in Funeral.”

Wisconsin National Guard Photo Outrage

I am appalled at the news from the Wisconsin National Guard and their idea of a good time. There are fewer things more sacred than a military funeral, and to serve on the honor guard is not just any ordinary detail.

I am tired of people making excuses for Soldiers who post stupid shit online. The “kids will be kids” excuse does NOT apply to service members – especially service members charged with honoring our fallen comrades. In my humble opinion, every Soldier in that photo should be discharged immediately. They are not fit to serve our Country and they have proven that they are not fit to honor those who gave the ultimate sacrifice during or after their service. There is simply NO EXCUSE for this type of behavior. None.

For those who are defending these Soldiers, I implore you to go attend a military service and watch a family receive a “small token” for their loved ones sacrifice. Listen to the roll call as the First Sergeant calls out the name of the deceased, and listen to the silence as there is no answer. Watch as the loved ones receive the American Flag to remind them of the sacrifice their loved one made; think about how you would feel receiving a flag instead of having your loved one home for dinner.  Listen to the eerie haunting sounds as the bugler plays Taps. Go and see if it is something you think is funny.

Funeral details and Fallen Comrade Ceremonies are emotionally taxing (if you are human) and working them does take it’s toll on the service members who perform them. There is a reason you don’t do them as a permanent position. Making light of the service though is inexcusable on so many levels I can’t even begin to cover them all here.

I was never able to serve on a funeral detail. I turn into a crying heap of a person. I don’t have to know who it was that passed, but I absorb the grief of their family and friends, their brothers and sisters in arms, and become so emotional at the weight of the sacrifice that I can’t breathe. To think of someone making light of this in any way angers me on a level that I have never felt before.

In many situations service members will laugh at things others find offensive. It falls under the “if we don’t laugh, we will cry” category and it is for some a coping mechanism. However saying, “We put the fun in funeral” and posting it online with a disrespectful photo in front of a flag draped coffin is the benchmark for callousness, complete lack of respect and the sign of depraved minds. I can’t believe that all of these Soldiers posed for this and no one spoke up to stop it. Absolutely fucking disgraceful.

For those families who have lost loved ones during service, I am sorry for these people who tarnished your memories. Though their coffin was empty – yours was not. The difference is that there is no difference. They stole a precious memory from you and I can not begin to imagine your grief. Please know that most service members see funeral detail and honor guard service as an honor. Most take it as seriously as anything else they have ever done in their lives. Most will cry with you as you mourn. Decent people would never tarnish such a sacred event and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to remember your loved ones service without this haunting you. Your sacrifice for our Country is nothing to laugh about. It is nothing to make light of in any way. There is no excuse for the actions of these sociopaths in uniform.

Alcoholic: Lifelong diagnosis or unfair label?

There are a lot of myths and misconceptions out there about alcoholism and drug addiction – or more inclusively; any form of the disease of addiction (which can be anything done compulsively where the “doer” loses control and choice in their own actions and behaviors).  I will gladly admit now that I did not understand addiction and thought it was a matter of bad choices, moral depravity, and weak will. Thankfully, I have been educated and not only do I view myself in a more positive light and no longer carry the shame associated with admitting my alcoholism; I have a greater understanding of my own family dysfunction and my alcoholic mother who didn’t love me enough to just quit drinking. <— see what I did there? I’ll get back to that in another post but hopefully after you read this one you will understand why my thinking about her was flawed.

After announcing my return from treatment I received a message from a friend and I am including part of it here because it is what prompted me to write this post. I used to share her sentiment, and absolutely refused A.A. as a solution for several reasons; one of them being that I didn’t think I should have to label myself as an Alcoholic for life even when/if I should remain sober. I also thought people who went to A.A. were a bunch of people lacking self control just looking for an excuse for their weaknesses, inability to commit to family and their own promises, and mostly that they are just a bunch of weirdos.

I can’t say that I’m a proponent of AA, because I don’t believe in labeling oneself permanently. We all change with time, and old habits don’t always follow us, and therefore labels aren’t always a good thing.

Now I will get into my story here eventually, and share with you the ways my life had become unmanageable and why I am powerless when it comes to making good decisions when beer is within reach; for now though, I think a basic introduction to the disease of addiction is in order simply because you won’t be able to understand the story unless you understand the power of addiction and the simple fact that it is a lifelong, chronic, progressive, fatal disease. If you get nothing else out of this post please just re-read that a few hundred times.

I can hear the heads shaking right now. “A disease? What a wonderful excuse!” Yeah. I didn’t buy it either until I was shown the science. Until I was taught the brain chemistry. Until I realized that I was in a roomful of people who had all the symptoms I had. We use in different ways, different substances; however our behaviors are all the same. All the same. Kind of how people deal with having the flu; some bitch and whine, some muscle through, some take medications and some don’t but that doesn’t change the fact that they all have the flu.

A.A. is not a cure. There is no cure for addiction at this point in medicine. Like the diabetic, there are only ways to manage the disease to enjoy quality of life and manage symptoms. A.A. is simply a way to manage symptoms and provide tools for alcoholics to use to remain sober. All 12-Step programs are modeled after the A.A. Steps because for many they work. It is however an individual choice to adhere to the steps and principles outlined in the program. The “label” of alcoholic is just as permanent as the “label” of diabetic. Or in other words – a diagnosis. A diabetic may choose to follow the Doctor’s advice and receive insulin, change their diet, and exercise daily – or they may ignore it. The consequences of ignoring that advice ranges from feeling crappy to death. The addict can also choose to ignore a 12 step program or to only work parts of it – but overall and undeniably, they will return to using and will experience the consequences (feeling crappy to death). The difference between the diabetic and the addict is that addicts can self-diagnose and receive treatment without a medical professional. However, anyone who goes into a rehab for treatment will be medically diagnosed as an alcoholic/addict. This diagnosis never goes away.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Basal Cell Skin cancer. I had two surgeries to remove abnormal and cancerous spots. Technically, I am cancer-free right now. So, I could ignore my skin for a while. I could just choose to go on my merry way, get a nice sun tan, and never look at my skin again. I’m cured! Those familiar with cancer know that if I do that – I will likely get another spot in my lifetime; especially if I go out in the sun without preventative measures like adequate clothing to cover my skin, and sunscreen to protect me from the harmful rays of the sun. This is something I have to be mindful of every day for the rest of my life even if I have no outward symptoms. Waiting until I find a spot in my skin to treat it could be deadly for me. So, everyday when I get out of the shower, I examine my body looking for anything out of the ordinary. I look at my million freckles and moles and note changes. If I see something that looks off, I go to the dermatologist and they take a biopsy. Most of the time it will be nothing to worry about. However, there is always, for the rest of my life, the possibility that it will return and I will need more surgery to remove it (not cure it). This is a lifelong disease, and I must manage it on a daily basis. I must use various resources to keep it in check such as regular doctor visits, sunscreen, self screening, and I also have to ask for help from Stephanie to look at the places I can’t see well.

A.A. is a preventative measure. The 12-Steps are ways for me to “self-screen” everyday to increase my chances at maintaining my sobriety. The other people in those A.A. rooms will watch me and bring to my attention those “relapse behaviors” I may be engaging in because they know what to look for; and I will do the same for them. It is a community. It is a fellowship of people who understand. Like the diabetic who goes to support groups to talk to other diabetics, A.A. is a support group to talk to other people who suffer from addiction. No matter what tools we use, there is no miracle cure. We can only monitor, ask for help, make a decision to commit to self-care, and pray that our disease remains in remission.

I will include here a few links if you would like to read more about the disease of addiction:

Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction – This is from the National Institute of Drug Abuse and will help people understand the different brain chemistry of those with the disease of addiction.

The Doctor’s Opinion (A.A. Blue Book) – The A.A. Blue Book addresses the needs of people to understand the medical difference in addicts/alcoholics. It is written in old timey language, but the opinion remains quite relevant today.

Under the Influence – This should be required reading for any person dealing with addiction; including the family and friends of those who know or love someone who has an addiction. It’s science. Proven. Tested. Confirmed. Replicated. Fact.

I hope this helps dispel some of the misconceptions about the “alcoholic/addict” label. I understand my friends point and her intention. She did not say this to be mean; she simply wants me to be able to move on with my life in a positive way. The fact is though, in order for me to do that I have to manage my disease. I have to acknowledge that I am forever different from those who can drink “normally.” I think of it like an allergy – which is how the Doctor refers to in  “The Doctor’s Opinion.” Think of it like getting stung by a bee; some people get stung and have no reaction; some get stung and develop a welt, some though get stung and need epinephrine and emergency medical care or they will die. Three people, same sting, three very different reactions to the venom. For me, I now understand that when I ingest alcohol I have an abnormal reaction. Many can have one drink and stop. Many are simply abusers who can quit on willpower when they are done (college kids partying for four years then going off to be responsible people who don’t drink like crazy). Many though (about 10% of our population) are like me, and once we start, we can’t stop without serious intervention or death.

If you have questions please send me a message and I will answer to my best ability or direct you to resources you can use to either help yourself or a loved one. Remember, it isn’t a label – it is a lifelong, chronic, progressive, fatal disease. 

Namaste

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