This wasn’t in my 5 year plan

About a year ago I wrote an article about a job interview I had and the inevitable question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I have always hated this question in interviews because honestly, who the fuck knows? I can tell you this though, going to rehab was NOT in my five year plan. I mean really, who wakes up one day and says, “I think someday I want to go to rehab and learn about my fucked up brain!” I’m going to go ahead and guess the answer to that is no one.

I didn’t set out to be someone who is powerless. Quite the opposite really. I didn’t ever wake up and say, “Today I am going to live my life in an unmanageable fashion because I think that would be super!” I never made a conscience decision to drink until I blacked out or to urinate in places other than a bathroom. I didn’t choose to ruin my military career, hurt the people I love, or hide little stashes of booze around the world to keep myself from getting sick. Yeah. That wasn’t written into the story intentionally.

It is however who I became. I realize now that I am a sick person in need of healing, and not a sinner that needs to be saved (thanks Father Bill). I am an alcoholic. I planned on being an alcoholic as much as someone plans to get cancer. Now don’t get me wrong, my choices certainly did contribute to this disease, just as my choices now contribute to keeping it in check. However, just because I make a decision each day to not pick up that drink, the fact is that if I do – I will suffer. I made the same choices in my youth that almost every other person did – I experimented with drugs and alcohol. I went against my mothers advice (shocking I know) to never drink. Fuck her. What does she know? You know – typical teenage shit. Of course I didn’t listen to her. I was different. I would never turn into her! I was smarter. I was aware. I was determined to not be the drunk on the couch with no social life; no friends; no one to love me. Yeah – I didn’t plan this.

I never planned to be the first one drunk at parties, I never planned to be the one who has to be told the next day everything that happened the night before. I never planned to embarrass myself on an almost daily basis. I didn’t plan to hole myself up in my apartment because if I left I might not be able to drink the way I needed too. I didn’t plan that I would bury bottles in the park so I could always have alcohol available to me. I didn’t plan to drink in order to feel or not feel emotions. I didn’t plan to have to attend meetings every day in order to keep myself sane. I never planned to need rehab, and detox, and therapists, and doctors…

This wasn’t in my five year plan. This wasn’t in my lifetime plan.

Even in A.A. you hear people say, “Just don’t drink!” Yeah. Okay. If it was that fucking easy these rooms would be empty and treatment centers would be out of business.  I haven’t met a person yet who knows they are suffering from addiction who was able to “just not drink or drug.” Seriously, if it were that simple I would be writing a completely different post this morning. I would probably be focusing more on the Veterans Bill that failed to pass yesterday because of partisan politics. I would be writing about the old man Stephanie and I met at the grocery store yesterday who was so shocked to be shown a little kindness in finding chocolate bars and coffee he wants to share his lottery winnings with us (should he ever win). I didn’t plan for addiction to my my focus everyday.

I didn’t plan on being born to an alcoholic mother. I didn’t plan on not being taught how to properly cope with my emotions and the world around me. I didn’t plan to learn this shit at 41 years old.

The only thing I can plan now is to make a different decision every day. I can plan to attend meetings and listen to people like me who also didn’t plan for their lives to fall apart at the seams. I can plan to be grateful each day that I have been given the opportunity to learn and recognize my addiction for what it is and WORK to make better choices – while I still have the option of choice. Once I take the drink; choice leaves me. I am no longer in control. I can only plan to use the tools I’ve learned, and I can choose to ignore them. That is where the choice ends. However, when we start; we are mostly all just people doing what people do. We experiment, and sometimes that experiment goes horribly wrong.

Many people will die without ever realizing that they are sick because they have been told to just stop. They have been kicked out of their homes, kicked out of their families, kicked out of their jobs because the perception is that they choose to be a vagrant; they choose to put a needle in their arm; they choose to drink until they can’t stand up anymore. I know that I tried over and over again to “just stop” – I even did pretty well sometimes. I actually stopped drinking for about 8 months on my own (of course I then had Xanex and Vicodin to take the edge off and keep me from detoxing) but I stopped drinking! Victory! I even went for a visit out to CA completely unsupervised and drank like a “normal” person. I had ONE beer at a friends house! Amazing self control! Amazing resolve! I am awesome! Of course; we know how that turned out now don’t we? I got home and celebrated my new found freedom to drink like other people and completely lost control. I went from normal to monster in about 6 months. You know why? It is a PROGRESSIVE, chronic, fatal disease that wants me alone and dead. That “dry” time I had, my addiction was working overtime to beat my resolve. That voice in my head, that obsession never left me. I just managed to ignore it for a few months and quiet it with pills instead of liquids.

Today, by the grace of God, the obsession isn’t there. I haven’t been ruled by cravings to drink (today). I have asked for help and have received it. I can’t choose to stop this on my own. If I could have, it would have been done without rehab and meetings, meditations and prayers. If I could have planned to just quit drinking; by God I would have quit drinking. I am a spiritually, physically, and emotionally broken person and I need help to heal those things. I didn’t plan to need all this help; but I am sure glad that is is there for me now.

Namaste

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A Priest, Minister, and a Reverend walk into a bar…

Okay, I am not a fan of clergy in any form really and when I went into treatment and when I was told that I HAD to go to chapel or a spirituality group I was ready to exert every defense in my arsenal to defend my militant Agnosticism. They were not under any circumstance going to convince me that I needed religion or had to follow some doctrine in order to maintain my sobriety or live a positive life. I had it in my head that part of A.A. was based on religion, and while I was perfectly willing to get sober and change my life; I was unwilling to join another religious cult…

Then I met Father Bill.

Father Bill (AKA “Bad Ass Priest”) holds the same opinions about the Catholic church as I do. He thinks they are a bunch of hateful morons that simply don’t get the point of God and spirituality. He is 83 years old, is a Vietnam Vet, and a recovering alcoholic (taking a few too many sips of the communion wine among other things). He is a no nonsense, set in his ways man who demands respect from those of us who forgot how to respect others. He will call you on your shit in the middle of his talking (he doesn’t preach). One guy was talking and laughing while he was speaking and he stopped and said, “Tell that guy to get the fuck out of here! Some people are trying to listen!” So yeah. He takes recovery, spirituality, and respect for others very seriously. More on him and the rest of the spiritual care team in a minute.

For me, I have always been a spiritual person. I have always longed to find God since I was young and every time I thought I had it right I was always disappointed. The reason for that is simple really, I put my faith in the wrong things. As an adult, I left the church and started to study other religions, ways of thinking, new age spiritualism… you name it, I tried to learn about it. The conclusion I came to was simple; we are spiritual beings and we all try to find something at some point in our lives to fill that need. It isn’t about God. It isn’t about religion or doctrine. It is about connection. We are social creatures and we crave fellowship. Some look to religions to fill that void but there are quite literally hundreds of ways for humans to connect and most of those have nothing to do with a church.

I believe (and always will) that religion is dangerous. Anything that limits ideas and concepts of divinity and God is limiting the possibilities and potential for humans to interact and truly love one another. Religion is behind nearly every war and human atrocity against one another ever committed because they all seem to focus on the “I’m right, you are wrong” mentality. I have never believed that God is that petty, and if God was that petty I sure as hell wanted no part of it. So my spirituality has resided in my heart and holds no doctrine. I believe in God – but not the God defined by man. I believe in the power of connection. The divine spark in each one of us that gives us life, the ability to come together, and the power when people come together for a common goal. Almost every religion actually addresses this concept; when people gather, that is where God is. I think that is true; I also think we have managed to seriously distort that concept with our own ego’s and selfishness by limiting the gathering place. It shouldn’t matter of you gather at a church, mosque, temple, synagogue or a coffee shop. The point is to gather. To gain strength and hope from one another. To allow the strength of community and connection to lift our spirits, remind us that we are not alone, and to celebrate life.

Now a huge part of the A.A. program is the concept of a “Higher Power” and many of us are hung up on the God thing. They capitalize God and in the literature they refer to God as Him and He (you know those cringe worthy pronouns). I don’t mind the grammar. I am used to it as I spent much of my life as a Christian. While I no longer believe in the whole God the Father thing, or think of God as any one particular entity – I am comfortable with the capitalization of God as I find it easier to type God over and over again instead of saying every time – “The connection between humans when they gather for a common purpose.” Yeah. God. god. Whatever. However, that little quirk in the program gets a lot of people hung up. I truly understand it. Society has warped our perception of a power greater than ourselves into an almost evil oppressive thing. For those us of who are lairs, cheats, and thieves (which many of us were in our active addictions) we have been ministered to, preached at, and condemned to hell so many times of course we don’t like God. God is an asshole.

For a long time my Higher Power (HP) was alcohol. I would do anything for it. I would go to any lengths to get it. I would ditch my own values and morals to feed my desire to drink myself into oblivion. I would try and ignore it, only to find that I couldn’t. It had such a hold on my heart and mind that anytime I was without it I was sick. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually ill. We all have a Higher Power whether we like to admit it or not. It is that thing that drives us. For some financial success (money) is their HP, for some it is their spouse or partner, for some it is a Christian God, for others it is meditation, or the universe… we are all ruled by something. The question becomes then, are we ruled by something that helps us or something that hurts us? For me, my faith was almost always in people if it wasn’t in alcohol. After people failed me over and over again, the only thing that was consistent was alcohol. Have drink, feel better. People fail you, have a drink. Celebrate with a drink. Commiserate with a drink. Loosen up with a drink. To feel emotions, have a drink. What a friend booze is! Always there when I needed it. Unlike God, the judgmental invisible sky wizard just waiting for me to fuck up – alcohol would always meet me right where I was. Right where I needed it. Right where I wanted it when I wanted it.

Well we know where my friend alcohol took me. Not much of a friend in the grand scheme of things. However, I did get to listen to a Bad Ass Priest, a Reverend, and a Minister say the words I have been saying for years about spirituality. I saw in them and heard in their words and stories the things I was missing. The things I had always been searching for. They understood it! They are ordained people – which usually to me means closed minded bigots, and judgmental people who insist you do it their way or God will punish you for eternity. These men weren’t like that though. These men were just as flawed as I am and made no attempts to disguise it. They didn’t try to convince me to be Catholic or Christian; they simply helped me find a power to identify with greater than myself, and greater than my character defects. The thing is, I always had that Higher Power. I just stopped acknowledging it. I let people ruin my faith, and I let alcohol feed my bitterness and emptiness.

So know that when I talk about God I am not talking about any certain entity. There is no person-hood behind it. There is no doctrine or dogma. Just a power to believe in. The power of connection. The power of the universe in its amazing and awesome splendor. The power of love and the knowledge that when we connect with one another we are stronger than when we try to go it alone. Alcohol wanted me alone, and it almost killed me. My higher power now is hope, love, and connection and I am okay calling that God.

Namaste.

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Decision Time

For those of you here who followed my old blog, you know that I am an alcoholic actively seeking and working toward sobriety. For those of you who are just joining my life. Hi. My name is Carrie (and Kathryn) and I am an alcoholic.

So I haven’t made too far past that first step. That real genuine realization that as much as I would love to believe that I am capable of living a sober life on my own, I am slowly realizing that I not only need to make decisions, but I also need to allow people to help me with this new life choice. Alcohol has an insane grip on my mind and body and learning to let that go and live my life to the fullest is the most terrifying thing I have ever tried to do.

Yesterday, I attended my first A.A. meeting. Before walking in the room, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was anxious and scared. I was also excited and hopeful. The sheer amount of conflicting feelings I have toward myself and alcohol is enough to make me want to go on a huge bender. So far, I have managed to not do that. Baby steps.

I met a bunch of wonderful people, from all walks of life, at all stages in sobriety. From the person who arrived at the meeting drunk, to a woman who has been sober over 40 years. I certainly didn’t feel alone, and that feeling of being alone (or fear of being alone) has always been one of my reasons to drink. Just knowing that so many people out there have faced the same battles I am facing, had to make those same hard decisions and choices, and even after 40 years still live “one day at a time.”

I have a bad attitude about AA. Growing up I watched my Mom go to meetings (most of them court ordered because of a DUI), and I watched her not give a damn, or have any real intention of becoming a sober person. She kind of used AA as a way to meet men. I attended some meetings with her, but I was way too young to understand what was going on – but I understood enough that I thought AA was sheer bullshit. Shedding that notion is pretty empowering. AA is about your attitude. My Mom didn’t have the right attitude – but unlike my Mom, no one is forcing me to go, I already have the relationship I want, and the only thing I hope to gain from AA is the support and strength from others when I need it (which just might be every freaking day for the rest of my life).

I met a no-nonsense woman who offered to sponsor me immediately. While I have only known her for about an hour (in person), she’s got 24 years under her belt, and that gives me hope too. So many people have changed their lives by embracing the program that I am going to stop bitching and start participating.

The decision I have to make now is about rehab. I should go. I have the opportunity and the support and there is absolutely nothing bad that can come from it. I initially decided I didn’t need rehab, but with certain things coming to light in my life; I am rethinking that decision.

It’s all a process. It is a practice. I am ready to learn, grow and change. I am ready to accept help to do so.